uki, so... here is my feedback:
- It smells a lot like Star Wars - Luke with Jedi hidden Yavin IV from Empire too...
- That mix of device and mental powers seems... bit odd. Device can communicate with Masters?
- I really like the idea of "scourge of uncontrolled nanites" hehe, finally destruction of Earth is minor event happen in past ^_^ ;)
- After 3/4 of story I decided that there is no way to read "Aristark" in any fluent or 'normal' way.
- "trick weak-minded people" - Jabba would dodge that
- "something about a mighty hermetic order that will overthrow the Empire and will rule instead of it" - hm... all I miss here is Rebel Alliance :D
ok, summing up: Story ends just when it's going to be very interesting :( Bleah... great work anyway - it seems to have great perspective of becoming cool story.
What I'm missing here is some original events / plots - majority of things appear to be borrowed from popular sci-fi. Nanites - Stargate, neuro-computer interface - Homeworld, Order - mix of The Da Vinci Code with Star Wars (ok, 99,9% of starwars), talking computers - random PC game, Uber-powerful empire - hm... Star Wolves + Star Wars? ok, that one might be quite original ;) :)
What I do like is whole idea of nanites, also the the whole story about earth and empire. Very nice.
Looking for more :) Definitely story worth reading :) SkywalkerPL 17:03 21 ago 2008 (UTC)
Thanks for all your comments. You are right, the story is like any interstellar travel/Empire story, unfortunately... Although I have taken nothing from Star Wars (I barely watched them and I only remember Jabba), some ideas about the Empire come from Foundation and Earth by Asimov. My talking computers come from a novel I was writing about an advanced simulation with self conscious bots. The story gets more interesting as they try to find Kalid (the Spanish version is full, the English version will be larger and better). Aristark is hard to read because it is Greek, the accent is in "tark" syllabe. Now, I will enlarge it. David 19:50 21 ago 2008 (UTC)